The Passive Aggressive Apocalypse

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Cause, Meet Effect.”

Blizzards and Girl Scout Cookies.

I have recently discovered that my favorite type of apocalypse would be a passive aggressive blizzard apocalypse.  The kind where suddenly, overnight, there would be like twelve feet of snow all over everything and the world is silent.

Okay, let me back up.  That sounds kind of morbid.  Not like me at all.  Eh, maybe it is a little bit, but allow me to set the scene.

A zombie apocalypse generally looks a little bit like this:

  • Zombies start existing.
  • Everyone flees to large cities for government support.
  • Zombies rapidly infest large cities due to proximity.
  • No one knows who to trust and everyone carries guns and hatchets and things to stop the zombies.
  • There is a lot of gory bloodshed and stuff.
  • An ever dwindling group of tough survivors attempt to stick it out as long as they can.
  • The end.

Nobody wins.  There is a bunch of blood.  Everyone hates everyone.  There is no hope for a new society to rise from the ashes or any of that.

A massive societal collapse apocalypse:

  • One day, all of the power goes out or something similar and everyone goes into a panicked frenzy.
  • People loot stores and hoard things for themselves.
  • Everyone goes insane from the resultant lack of structure and people become increasingly violent in their attempts to take over society for themselves.
  • After everything finally settles down and lots of people are dead, a dictator takes over and the people don’t even realize that they are being oppressed.
  • Hundreds of years down the road, someone finally stands up and they overthrow the government and the cycle repeats.

There is at least a little possibility here for eventually creating a stable and happy society, but I wouldn’t bet on it.  It is still not an ideal way for the world to end.

Now here’s my idea:

  • One day, completely unpredictably, it begins to snow.
  • The snow becomes this massive blizzard, but it builds gradually so that people have time to get home and bunker down.
  • Once it reaches its full strength, no one can go anywhere, so they simply sit at home.
  • Most people had time to get some food and generators before it happened, so they aren’t dying in droves.
  • There is the one guy who has been saying this was going to happen for years so he has a massive basement that is crazy insulated and stocked with a ten-year supply of bottled water and thin mints (because thin mints would be the perfect apocalypse food, especially if all you had to do to freeze them was to store them outside).
  • Once the initial storm dies down, some desperate people struggle to make their way to his house.
  • He gives them some warm pajamas and lets them live in his massive insulated basement.
  • The more resourceful people are staying in their own homes, only going outside to shovel the snow off of their roofs so that they don’t collapse.
  • People find a bajillion ways to melt the snow and it is completely drinkable because snow is like that so everyone has water.
  • Eventually, most people make it over to the one guy’s house.  They all bring whatever resources they have and huddle together for warmth.
  • As the winter wears on, people start thinking about how everything ever will flood come spring so…
  • They kill two birds with one stone and start bottling snow and storing it in the now empty houses.
  • By the end of winter, there have been a few more bouts of snow, but people know how to handle them by now.
  • As the snow melts, there is minimal flooding due to the people’s resourcefulness and the land is well-watered for a good harvest.
  • Obviously, the one guy becomes the new mayor and literally everyone ever gets thin mints for the rest of their lives.

I’m not saying everyone survives the winter, but doesn’t that sound like a happier apocalypse than mass destruction and chaos?  I certainly think so.

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