Looking Glass Upon the Wall, Who’s the Craziest of Us All?

This is a little long so I’m going to put it up in a few posts, but it’s essentially a group therapy session of different fairy tale characters.  Also, it’s in the form of a script, so everything in parenthesis is something the characters are doing, and the bold names with colons show who is talking.  Just in case you’ve never read a script.  Enjoy!


 

(Scene opens on group therapy session. 12 chairs sit in a circle closed by a MIRROR on the wall.  In the first chair sits STEPSISTER #1 followed in order by STEPSISTER #2, RAPUNZEL, PRINCE, GRETEL, EMPEROR, THUMBELINA, RED’S MOTHER, MAIDEN WITHOUT HANDS, RUMPLESTILTSKIN, PRINCESS and a DUCK.  The stepsisters are both wearing beautiful gowns and extremely comfortable shoes.  STEPSISTER #1 is also wearing hipster glasses.  RAPUNZEL is wearing a very modern evening gown and her hair and makeup are immaculate; she looks very snooty and vain.  The PRINCE is wearing a medieval getup that he clearly thinks makes him look rather attractive; he especially cavorts about in front of RAPUNZEL.  GRETEL is a young girl wearing a simple ratted dress; she has dark shadows under her eyes and her hair is untidy, she looks like a caged animal.  The EMPEROR is bundled up in an entirely unnecessary amount of very opaque clothing so that only his face is visible; he is very paranoid and his eyes are shifty.  THUMBELINA is dressed punk rocker style.  She is very small but looks extremely defiant; she is very rebellious.  RED’S MOTHER is wearing an apron over a plain but smart skirt and she does not appear to have a speck of dust on her; she is holding a bottle of hand sanitizer and occasionally applies some.  The MAIDEN WITHOUT HANDS is sitting with her arms crossed in her lap; she is also dressed simply but elegantly and her sleeves are very long.  RUMPLESTILTSKIN is dressed in genie-like garb with a turban and billowy pants; he is rocking quietly back and forth and laughing quietly to himself.  The PRINCESS is sitting with her back ramrod straight but she has an expression of agony on her face, but she is very strong looking and very tough.  She is wearing a militaristic outfit and a very dainty tiara.  The DUCK  is constantly preening his feathers and looking jealously at RAPUNZEL.  There is nothing abnormal about him; he is average in every respect.  Group is in the progress of opening the session)

Mirror: (very bored) All right group, let’s say our pledge.

All: (varying degrees of enthusiasm) I have gone through some tough circumstances (MAIDEN: Most certainly), but you have gone through worse. (STEPSISTER #2: Maybe) But I won’t yell at you or laugh at you. (RUMPLESTILTSKEN: no guarantees) I will respect your words and your story (THUMBELINA: Unless it’s stupid), and I hope you will respect mine.  I give you my word.  Unhappy Endings Anonymous will support you.

Mirror: Very good.  Now we all know why we’re here, but let’s give a brief introduction to ourselves and our story.  To make this as minimally stressful as possible, each of us will tell our story in the form of a fairy tale, understood? (murmured assent) Good.  Let’s start with the stepsisters.

Stepsister #1: Well, it all started with the stupid little brat who lived at my house.

Stepsister #2: Excuse you!  It is our house, and we are supposed to tell our story in fairy tale style!  Besides, what if I wanted to tell it?

Stepsister #1: You know what, fine.  Maybe I don’t even want to tell the stupid story anyway!  Only little kids like story time. (pulls out iPhone) Popular people just use Twitter.  Go ahead you little fobbing beef-witted mammet!

Stepsister #2: Don’t even!  You’re just a spongy ill-nurtured canker-blossom!

Stepsister #1: Oh yeah?  Well you’re a infectious toad-spotted codpiece!

Mirror: We do not call anyone names in this group ladies!

Duck: Although, to be fair, they were pretty good insults. (No one responds.  It’s as if they didn’t hear the DUCK) Wow.  Thanks for acknowledging me.

Stepsister #1: Hmph. (contents herself to sticking her tongue out at her sister then stubbornly sits clutching her iPhone.  She occaisionally reacts to something on the screen, but appears to tune out the rest of the conversation.)

Mirror: Um… Miss?  We don’t seclude ourselves in this session.  You need to get off your phone. (ad lib. more as STEPSISTER #1 stubbornly ignores him.) Fine, (turns to STEPSISTER  #2) you can continue with your story.

Stepsister #2: Alrighty, here goes.  Once upon a time…

Thumbelina: Oh puh-lease, get real.  No one actually uses that phrase in fairy tales anymore.  It’s so cliché.

Stepsister #1: The word we use now is mainstream.  Cliché became too cliché years ago.

Thumbelina: I say what I want!  Anyway, you should probably use something more like “On a dark and stormy night.”  That gives more intensity, you know.

Stepsister #1: Um, that’s pretty mainstream too.

Stepsister #2: Yeah, whatever. So once upon a time, there was a little girl born into the world who was so wretched that the sight of her like, killed her poor mother.  Her super nice father like, pitied the evil little girl or something, so he married again so that she would have like, a proper mother and sisters to love her.  Unfortunately, he didn’t see the girl for what she was: a witch.  The wife and daughters saw it though, so they took it upon themselves to keep her busy so that she could never like, develop her sorcery or whatever.  They made her sleep in the cinders as a reminder of what they could do to her if she used her magic, and so called her Cinderella.  There came a time when the wife and daughters were invited to a ball so that I could become the super hot prince’s princess.

Stepsister #1: (finally looks up from her phone)Actually, I was the one who was going to get the Prince, just FYI.

Emperor: What does “F-Y-I” mean?  Is that a conspiracy against the government?

Stepsister #1: How am I supposed to know?  It means like, “just so you know”, you know?

Stepsister #2: (talking over STEPSISTER #1) When the wife and her daughters arrived, there was a super gorgeous chick there and she was so pretty that the stupid prince wouldn’t talk to anyone else! Anyways, when the girl left the ball, she fled to the mother’s house, and the mother and daughters knew right away that it was Cinderella using her witchy powers.  Naturally, we – they – couldn’t let the poor prince like, marry the girl, so they took measures to like, win his heart.  The Prince had found one of Cinderella’s bewitched shoes and declared that whoever’s foot fit into them would be his bride.  The oldest sister tried the shoe on first but her big toe wouldn’t fit.  Usually, she would have grudgingly let it go to someone else – moi, but she could not afford for the shoe to fall into the hands of Cinderella, so she cut off her toe.  “After all” her mother said, “you won’t need it when you are queen.  Never mind that queens aren’t supposed to be disfigured, no one would ever see you in public without the finest slippers covering your toes.”

Stepsister #1: (shrugs) YOLO. (winces)

Emperor: If you say one more secret coded conspiracy, I’m leaving.

Stepsister #1: Chillax!  It means “You Only Live Once.”

Emperor: Is that a threat?

Stepsister #2: Guys, I’m not done. (STEPSISTER #1 rolls her eyes and goes back to her phone.  EMPEROR keeps sneaking accusatory glances at STEPSISTER #1) Where was I?  Right, the first sister. She put on the shoe and walked into the prince’s waiting arms and the two set off to enjoy their happily married life together.  Unfortunately, Cinderella like, bewitched some little birds to sing to the prince and let him know that there was like, a little bit of blood on her shoe, because he hadn’t noticed.

Stepsister #1: It wasn’t that much blood, and besides, you shouldn’t reject a woman who was willing to sacrifice her toe for you.  That shows dedication.  Obviously, I was meant for the prince, he was just under that stupid little witchy spell.

Stepsister #2: Admittedly, the prince was not the brightest match in the box, but he sure was hot…  Anyway, he took the first perfectly eligible daughter back to the house to get his real princess – that would be moi.  The younger daughter’s heel was the slightest bit too big for the painfully tiny shoe, so she used the knife to like, trim off the edges and concealed the blood in her shoe.  After all, a girl must do whatever is necessary for the name of fashion and love.  Then she went with the prince to enjoy her life forever with him.  They chatted about like, everything under the sun as the luxurious carriage rolled away.  The prince was so lost in the beautiful maiden’s eyes that he would never have noticed the little bit of blood on her foot if it hadn’t been for dreadful Cinderella’s interference.  The bewitched little birds once again alerted the poor prince that his bride-to-be was bleeding, so he took her home.  Seriously?  I mean, the slippers were glass.  It’s not like a little bit of blood could have done anything to them.  Just take some Windex to it, honestly.  Then, Cinderella bewitched him and ran away with him forever.  The stepsisters decided to be really like, mature about the whole situation, so they went to the wedding celebrations to prove that they were totally over the prince.  After all, his best man was the prince of the next kingdom over.  But Cinderella just couldn’t get over the fact that she needed witchy powers to get a guy’s attention and we didn’t.  So she sent her little witchy birds to come pluck our eyes out.  It was like, the most traumatic thing ever.  Seriously, talk about overreacting, geez.

Rapunzel: Umm, you don’t look like your eyes have been plucked out to me.

Stepsister #2: Well, yeah.  We had reconstructive surgery, duh.

 

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3 thoughts on “Looking Glass Upon the Wall, Who’s the Craziest of Us All?

  1. Pingback: Looking Glass Part 2 | Pulchra Es Intus Et Amo

  2. Pingback: Looking Glass Part 3 | Pulchra Es Intus Et Amo

  3. Pingback: Looking Glass Part 4 | Pulchra Es Intus Et Amo

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